Should've Seen It Coming

12-1-05
I realize that I have not blogged since thanksgiving so I decided to relate today one of the greater stories that came out of my holiday trip to Oklahoma City. I guess I'll start by saying that I return from my trip with a renewed sense of determination to exercise and lose weight but not for the reasons that you may think. The truth is I ate very reasonably or as reasonably as can be expected from a big fella faced with a large bowl of mashed potatos, buttermilk pie, and green bean casserole. I was sure to watch my portions and, in the end I was proud of myself. No, my new zeal for working out stemmed from one brief comment and one tiny hand motion from an unexpected source. On Wednesday, I travelled with my family from Oklahoma City to middle of nowhere East Texas to spend Thanksgiving Day with my grandparents. On the way there I asked my dad if he wanted to place bets on how long it would take my grandmother to make some crack about my weight. My grandmother is a sweet lady. She is also consistent...consistently worried about the size of my tummy. Over the years any weight I have gained has settled nicely in my midsection giving me a very substantial beer gut (sans the beer). It's hard to miss and my grandmother is sure to remind me of that whenever I see her. I have begun to track the amount of time it takes from the moment she sees me until the first comment is made. Her record is well under three seconds. So, this year I decided to include my dad in on the game. We briefly discussed how long it would take. What I didn't know then was that the record would indeed be broken this year just not by my grandmother. As we entered the house on Wednesday evening I quickly scanned the living room and failed to find my grandmother. I continued on glancing briefly down the hallway, suspecting that she may be lurking there armed with a develish grin and some new cutting remark. She was nowhere to be seen. As I began to turn my head a sudden realization came to me. I had been tricked. My grandmother's absence from the main room was simply a diversion. The real threat was waiting on my blind side. The plan had worked flawlessly. This year the joke about my weight would not come from my grandmother. No, this year the culprit would be my beloved grandfather. He came from my right. By the time I realized it it was too late to retreat. He had me. He was just finishing giving my sister a hug and he cut around her straight toward me. It was too much for me to handle. The words were bad enough. He said with a huge smile, "Looks like you got some good preacher material there." What made it worse was that as he said it he slowly reached out his hand and did the unthinkable: He patted my belly. Please explain that to me!!!!! It was as if he didn't want me to miss that the remark was aimed at stomach. No problem there. I knew what he was talking about. Why in the world would anyone find it necessary to pat a fat guy's belly? I don't know, maybe he thought his great grandchild was going to communicate to him...(wait for it)...from the depths of my womb!!!!!!!! I'm not pregnant. I'm not a buddha statue at a Chinese restaurant. In what world would it be appropriate for you to touch, in any way, my gut? None that I could think of. The action was so shocking that it took me a while to think back to the words he had said. When I did I was equally perplexed. "Looks like you got some good preacher material there." WHAT??????????!!!!!!!!!!!!! What does that mean? Are all preachers fat? Am I supposed to use my size as an illustration for a sermon? What? Now, it is true that I have eaten one too many unidentifiable but tasty casseroles at pot luck suppers. I have been fed well as a minister. But, really, "looks like you got some good preacher material there"? Is that necessary? So, the moral of the story is: if you know a guy with a big belly, don't pat it. Please, don't pat it. Blogger's Note: Once again, a disclaimer. I'm just having a little fun here. My grandparents are great people and I love them dearly. I wasn't offended by their comments at all. In fact, the whole incident truly was humorous, I just thought I would tell it in a way that emphasized how funny it really was. Hope you enjoyed it as much as I enjoyed writing it. Maybe some day I will write a blog that is more serious...but probably not.